"Subway vs. 7-Eleven with Lauren Lapkus" is Episode 340 of Doughboys, hosted by Nick Wiger and Mike Mitchell. "Subway vs. 7-Eleven with Lauren Lapkus" was released on March 10, 2022.
"Tomorrow... with Lauren Lapkus" - @doughboyspod
Synopsis[]
Lauren Lapkus (The Wrong Missy, Between Two Ferns: The Movie) joins the 'boys to discuss Nick's broken toilet before tackling the Desperation Region of Munch Madness 2022: The Tournament of Chompions: Hero's Journey: Sub-Optimal. Plus, another edition of Jingle All The Whey.
Nick's intro[]
37,540 restaurants. 78,029 locations.
They are respectively the largest restaurant chain and the largest convenience-store chain in the world.
Subway and 7-Eleven
As they've spread worldwide as spores of global capitalism, their quality control has diluted, making them rarely anyone's preferred choice for proteins between breads, but rather a release valve in a pinch.
But their very ubiquity necessitates their inclusion in this Tournament. After all, would sub sandwiches even exist as a national chain-restaurant sector without the trail being blazed by the "Eat Fresh" eatery with the incarcerated living mascot? Would fast-food restaurants have expectations of 24-hour operation and near-instant service without the "Grab and Go" corner store that's on every corner?
So who will be first among last resorts?
Will the sando purveyor known for its earworm about five-dollar footlongs put its best foot forward? Or will the world's largest convenience-store chain with its own cold and hot food stations make us exclaim "oh! thank heaven!"?
This week on Doughboys, the final match of the opening round of Munch Madness 2022: The Tournament of Chompions: Hero's Journey: Sub-Optimal: Desperation Region: 7-Eleven vs. Subway.
Let's a-go!
Hero's Journey: Sub-Optimal rules[]
Here are the rules for this year's Tournament of Chompions:
- Sandwiches only! Sides stay on the sidelines, drinks are in the stink, chips get the slip, cookies are ookie, and soup's OFF.
- We are in a pickle: Pickles are eligible!
- If it's national, it's rational: Chains must have locations across the US. This also excludes local LA chains.
- I like Ike: due to personal conflicts, Ike's has been removed from the tournament. (The Doughboys are friendly with Ike.)
- Some heroes are self-made: Customization is encouraged.
- We run hot and cold: one hot sandwich and one cold sandwich from each eatery.
- You can request extra napkins.
- Guests don't have to follow the rules.
- Mrs. Mitchell can ground Wiger if necessary.
- If there's a tie, Emma will break it.
- Nick and Mitch each get one permaban per tournament.
- Susser can substitute one chain for another if he wants.
Desperation Region[]
The Doughboys have reviewed 7-Eleven twice before. The first time was a live episode in 2016, when Nick gave it 3 forks and Mitch 3.5 forks. They then returned in 2020, and Nick rated it 2.5 forks and Mitch 3. It also made a brief appearance in the Pie Noon tournament, when the Slurpee lost to a McFlurry in the Shake-Off.
They have visited Subway a number of times on the show. The first was way back in episode 17, when Nick rated it 2 forks and Mitch 3. Then, in 2019, they returned and Nick gave it 3 forks and Mitch 3.25. Then in 2021, they went back to Subway and Nick gave it 2.5 and Mitch again gave it 3.25. It also made a brief appearance in the Pie Noon tournament, when the Subway Cookies lost to the Hershey Sundae Pie in the Bake-Off.
| guest / host | Subway order | 7-Eleven order |
|---|---|---|
| Nick Wiger |
|
|
| Mike Mitchell |
|
|
| Lauren Lapkus |
|
Smoked Turkey and Monterey Jack Cheese Sandwich |
Nick and Mitch got Twin Orders at Subway.
Desperation Region scoring[]
For this tournament, the Doughboys rate their orders on 0-10 Endorsement Dollars in a number of categories.
| guest / host | Bread | Meat | Veggies | Condiments / Sauces / Sausage | Dunkability | Messiness | Blow Factor | Overall | Jared in prison? |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Nick Wiger | S: 5
7-E: 4 |
S: 3
7-E: 5 |
S: 6
7-E: 0 |
S: 5
7-E: 5 |
S: 0
7-E: 0 |
S: 8
7-E: 2 |
S: 4
7-E: 8 |
S: 7
7-E: 9 |
S: yes
7-E: no |
| Mike Mitchell | S: 4
7-E: 3 |
S: 5.5
7-E: 3.5 |
S: 7
7-E: .5 |
S: 8
7-E: 10 |
S: 1
7-E: 4 |
S: 7
7-E: 4 |
S: 0
7-E: 0 |
S: 9
7-E: 8 |
S: no
7-E: no |
| Lauren Lapkus | S: 4
7-E: 3 |
S: 6
7-E: 2 |
S: 7
7-E: 6 |
S: 6
7-E: 3 |
S: 10
7-E: 0 |
S: 0
7-E: 0 |
S: 10
7-E: 10 |
S: 8
7-E: 3 |
S: yes
7-E: yes |
Desperation Region winner[]
Next, The Doughboys decide which sandwich gets sent to Joe Rogan (a hoagy to Rogy) and are so good, they change his mind about vaccines (or to make him stand strong as an anti-vaxxer).
| guest / host | winner |
|---|---|
| Nick Wiger | 7-Eleven |
| Mike Mitchell | Subway |
| Lauren Lapkus | Subway |
Subway wins and advances to the next round!
Despite voting for it to advance, Nick still permabans 7-Eleven from the rest of the tournament (and possibly from the show forever).
Jingle All The Whey 🎶[]
Arby's
In this segment, Nick plays a fast-food jingle is played and Mitch and the guests guess which year it came out.
The closest guess, without going over, wins a point. If you guess it exactly, you get two points (aka. the Arden Myrin Rule). The Mitchkenna Rule is that, if the game ends in a tie, the guest wins.
Today's theme was various sandwich jingles.
| jingle | Mike Mitchell | Lauren Lapkus | actual | score (MM - LL) |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 1984 | 1993 | 1996* | 0 - 1 |
| 2 | 1985 | 1988 | 1981 | 0 - 1 |
| 3 | 1975 | 1972 | 1970 | 0 - 1 |
| 4 | 1980 | 1983 | 1979 | 0 - 1 |
| 5 | 1999 | 2004 | 2006 | 0 - 2 |
Lauren wins this episode of Jingle All The Whey!
- A note: the Youtube link for the first jingle does say 1996, but there is also a separate upload on youtube that claims it is from 1989. This discrepancy would have given the point to Mitch instead of Lauren. This would've been a tie, though, and because of the Mitchkenna rule, Lauren would have won either way. -ed.
Roast Mr. Slice (of Bread)[]
Zero Suit Samus
| “ | Gyro Suit Hamus | ” |
–Grip Grand | ||
Quotes[]
| “ | Mitch: Nick, when Mrs. Doubtfire lit her titties on fire, were you kind of turned on? Nick: I mean, yea. Every young boy was. "Ah man if an old broad's tits lit up! Damn!" |
” |
–The Doughboys | ||
| “ | I can smell the floor in my mind. | ” |
–Lauren Lapkus re: Subway | ||
| “ | You and your friends play Ookie Whopper. | ” |
–Mike Mitchell re: Nick's childhood | ||
The Feedbag[]
| “ | What celebrities do you think could liven up a chain restaurant that seems to be failing? | ” |
–Danny from Kentucky | ||
| guest / host | celebrity / chain pairings |
|---|---|
| Nick Wiger | Greg Kinnear and Willam Dafoe / Burger King |
| Mike Mitchell | Al Pacino / Dunkin' Donuts
John Cena and John Hamm / Quizno's |
| Lauren Lapkus | Martin Short / McDonald's |
Photos[]
