"Munch Madness: McDonald's Chompionship with Don't Stop or We'll Die" is Episode 244 of Doughboys, hosted by Mike Mitchell and Nick Wiger. "Munch Madness: McDonald's Chompionship with Don't Stop or We'll Die" was released on March 26, 2020.
"Tomorrow...(with @michaelcassady & @paulrust)" - @doughboyspod
Synopsis[]
For the finale of Munch Madness 2020, Michael Daniel Cassady and Paul Rust (Don't Stop or We'll Die) return for the remote recorded finale of the Tournament of Chompions where we decide the single best menu item at McDonald's.
Nick's intro[]
517,000: that's an estimate of how many McDonald's employees do not receive paid sick leave, a shameful number. In the midst of the current COVID-19 crisis that threatens the health and welfare of millions of Americans, the absence of guaranteed sick leave for food-service workers is an abomination, necessitating sick employees, as they often do now, to work through their illnesses, endangering fellow workers and customers to this highly contagious contagion.
McDonald's essential workers
In a minor expansion of benefits designed for the obfuscation of PR professionals, McDonald's corporate recently reluctantly agreed to expand paid sick leave, but limited it to fourteen days for quarantined employees only, of corporate-owned stores only - a paltry concession as many Coronavirus sufferers, unlike damp Libertarian fail-son Rand Paul, do not have access to the tests that would lead to quarantine, and 90% of McDonald's are not corporate-owned, but franchise-owned.
Beyond that, McDonald's PR-oriented Coronavirus efforts include posting a socially-distanced version of the Golden Arches, a lame act of self-parody akin to Shell re-branding as "She'll," or Raytheon painting a rainbow flag on a drone missile aimed at a Yemeni wedding.
So as Doughboys salutes the workers of McDonald's and the menu items their labor prepares, the current health crisis once again shows the necessity of health care for all and for fair pay and unionization for food service and agriculture employees, whose "unskilled" labor has proven to be among the most essential in our entire economy.
And despite the all-encompassing global plague that occupies our every waking moment, the Tournament of Chompions spirals into madness toward its inevitable conclusion, as 64 Sesame Seeds of McDonald's menu items has been narrowed to a Final Fourk of combatants, plus one returning item from Fat Chance Kitchen!
So, which McDonald's fast-food stuff will prove itself to be the pride of Mayor McCheese's domain and take home the most prestigious award in chain restaurant podcasting, The Dave Thomas Cup?!
(And speaking of Dave Thomas, 133,000 Wendy's workers do not receive paid sick leave. So FUCK WENDY'S!)
This week on Doughboys, the Final Fourk and Chompionship of Munch Madness: The Tournament of Chompions: Mac Attack!
Mac Attack Rules[]
This year's Tournament is a giant bracket of items from the menu at McDonald's.
These are this year's rules:
- Everyone is here! Sides do not stay on the sidelines, drinks are not in Gatorade jugs on the sidelines.
- Breakfast items must be available all day.
- If it's seasonal, it's reasonable, but it has to be available right now. (That is, Shamrock Shake is included, but the McRib is not.) (However, if the McRib or any new item returns to the menu, adjustments can be made.)
- Dips get the slip. You can use them, but are not part of the evaluation.
Doughcenter Recap[]
Oh boy. It's me again, Carl Tart. I'm live in the Doughcenter with another Munch Madness Recap.
Carl Tart
On the last Doughboys Double before the Munch Madness Finale, Claudia O'Doherty joined remotely for this year's Fat Chance Kitchen.
Mitch's slow internet was a major disruption, making it difficult for him to chime in, but the team soldiered on. Commissioner Susser declared the new Little Mac and the Double Mac satisfied the controversial "if it's seasonable, it's reasonable" rule. So they entered a fatal forkway vs. Mitch and Wiger's resurrected menu items. Mitch resurrected the Big Mac and Wiger resurrected Hash Browns.
Little Mac was quickly eliminated and came down to Hash Browns and Double Mac. And in the end, Hash Browns was the winner, setting us up for the potato showdown with Fries that we all dreamed about.
Alright! That's it for Carl Tart in the Doughcenter. I'm now going live on my own time in my own Doughcenter and all I can say is "zip it right, zip it left, all this eating will make you run out of breath." And I've been saying that for years and years. If you know, you know. Goodbye, everybody!
Mac Attack: Eat-In Match[]
As Carl so eloquently explained, this initial Potato Showdown is between Hash Browns and Fries, with the winner joining the Final Fourk. It's a classic match-up between a golden oval and golden lines.
Fries dominate and stay in its earned spot in the Final Fourk.
| guest / host | 🥔 |
|---|---|
| Nick Wiger | Fries |
| Mike Mitchell | Fries |
| Paul Rust | Fries |
| Michael Cassady | Fries |
Mac Attack: Final Fourk[]
The two Semisoft Final match-ups of the Mac Attack: Final Fourk are
- 4 Sausage, Egg, and Cheese McGriddles vs. 1 Fries
- 1 Coke vs. 9 Double Cheeseburger
First up, the McGriddles vs. Fries:
| guest / host | 🥞 vs. 🍟 |
|---|---|
| Nick Wiger | Fries |
| Mike Mitchell | Fries |
| Paul Rust | Fries |
| Michael Cassady | Fries |
Fries wins! It advances to the Finals!
The Doughboys next decide between a McDonald's Coke and a Double Cheeseburger:
| guest / host | 🥤vs. 🍔 |
|---|---|
| Nick Wiger | Double Cheeseburger |
| Mike Mitchell | Coke |
| Paul Rust | Coke |
| Michael Cassady | Double Cheeseburger |
| Evan Susser | Double Cheeseburger |
| Grimace | Coke |
| Mayor McCheese | Double Cheeseburger |
| Ronald McDonald | Coke |
Ronald McDonald's vote doesn't count, as he is a clown, so Double Cheeseburger pulls the upset and advances to the Chompionship!
Mac Attack: Chompionship[]
The Final match-up of Mac Attack is 1 Fries vs. 9 Double Cheeseburger.
The winning item will be taken back in time by the Burger King and given to Harriet Tubman who gives it to Morgan Spurlock, who makes a pro-McDonald's documentary that eradicates Coronavirus and shrinks him down to size.
McDonald's Fries
| guest / host | 🍟 vs. 🍔 |
|---|---|
| Nick Wiger | Fries |
| Mike Mitchell | Fries |
| Paul Rust | Fries |
| Michael Cassady | Fries |
Congratulations to McDonald's Fries!! They win this year's Dave Thomas Cup!
Heart of a Chompion[]
Grimace
Throughout the episode and month, The Doughboys nominated a number of candidates for this year's Heart of a Chompion award: Tom Brady, Hash Browns, Hot Fudge Sundae, McDonald's Coffee, Dick & Mac McDonald, Ray Kroc, McDonald's American Cheese, the apocalyptic McDonald's near the UCB-Sunset Theatre, Ronald McDonald, Grimace, Happy Meals, Harris Wittels' Two Cheeseburger Meal, and Armen Weitzman.
In a thrilling vote, Grimace is declared the winner.
Roast Spoonman[]
Bologna
| “ | Walking BolognaVirus | ” |
–Kristin & Douglas | ||
Quotes[]
| “ | I'm doing a lot of cooking in funny aprons. | ” |
–Paul Rust re: his virus lockdown | ||
| “ | My ancestors came over here for potatoes. And possibly for McDonald's hash browns. I'm not sure if it was the potato famine or if they moved here in the 1960s for McDonald's hash browns. | ” |
–Mike Mitchell re: being Irish | ||
| “ | Michael: You want to buy a loaf of McGriddles? Mitch: You go down to McDonald's and get a fresh, hot loaf of McGriddles and bring it home? Like a farmer's market! |
” |
–Doughboys' idea for McDonald's | ||
#hashtags[]
- #RioMysteryMovie
The Feedbag[]
| “ | I've been enjoying the McDonald's Munch Madness this year and it has me thinking a lot about my Grandpa who opened the first McDonald's in the American South in the early '60s. He went on to become a big shot franchisee, at one point owning stores from Missouri down to Louisiana.
I have a lot of stories about my family's McDonald's, but my one favorite is that my Grandma helped develop the McRib, but never once ate one, nor would she let us grandkids eat them. My Grandma once took a bite of one once for a commercial and immediately spit it out. You draw your own conclusions there. After Papa died, we ended up with a lot of cool McDonald's paraphernalia around the house. My favorite is a gold cygnet ring with the Golden Arches and a diamond set in the center that McDonald's gave Papa for 20 years in the biz. My dad wears it every day. My question is: if you could have any fancy bling from a favorite chain restaurant, what would it be? |
” |
–Lucy Isadora | ||
Related Episodes[]
Photos[]
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