"Doughlympics: Dunkin’ Donuts v. McDonald’s v. Starbucks with Sean O’Connor" is Episode 66 of Doughboys, hosted by Mike Mitchell and Nick Wiger. "Doughlympics: Dunkin’ Donuts v. McDonald’s v. Starbucks with Sean O’Connor" was released on August 18, 2016.
Synopsis[]
A coffee battle boils over in a melee between the three biggest java chains with this week's guest, comedian and Late Late Show writer Sean O'Connor. Chairman Evan Susser opens the show with a bombshell, prompting intern Yusong Liu into action. Plus: the debut of the International House of Hot Takes.
Nick's intro[]
In July 1980, the simmering Cold War between the U.S. and the U.S.S.R. reached its symbolic nadir as the International Olympic Committee's awarding of the Games to Moscow inspired an American-led boycott of the competition. With 65 countries refusing to participate, due to the ongoing Soviet invasion of Afghanistan, the competition was a shell of its normal self with most of the elite athletes sidelined.
Misha
At the Closing Ceremonies, a jumbo-sized idol of Misha, the Games' grizzly-bear mascot, was rigged by helium balloons and untethered to ascend out of the stadium and high into the night sky as a weeping crowd saluted and waved; a surreal end to a sham games waged under a totalitarian state.
And today, as the sun sets on a similarly disastrous 2016 Doughlympics, we turn to the beverage associated with the sunrise, the morning, a new beginning, and hopefully, a brighter future: the warm drink made from roasted beans native to tropical Africa that became a global sensation.
The combatants? A triad of behemoths which comprise of the three biggest coffee retailers in the U.S., selling a combined 750 million dollars worth of hot brown annually and ranking as the first-, third-, and seventh-biggest chains in America respectively: McDonald's, the Golden Arches that's shorthand for U.S. food culture; Starbucks, the ubiquitous Seattle-based coffee house that took its name from the chief mate in Moby Dick; and Dunkin' Donuts, the pride of decrepit cesspool and more-rundown version of Lowell known as Quincy, Massachusetts.
This week on Doughboys: the third and final week of the 2016 Doughlympic Susser Games: Coffee Division.
A Statement from The Chairman[]
First up, a statement from Chairman Susser, who is in Pittsburgh, and makes a bombshell announcement:
| “ |
It takes a big man to recognize when he has fallen short, and I am nothing if not a big man. |
” |
Doughlympics Rules[]
For each category, The Doughboys attempt to get as close to the same order as possible from each place.
Susser times the discussions, and each item is then rated on a scale of 0.0 - 6.0.
They also give each contestant a national anthem:
| chain | national anthem |
|---|---|
| McDonald's | Justin Timberlake "I'm Lovin' It" |
| Dunkin' Donuts | Dropkick Murphys "I'm Shippin' Up To Boston" |
| Starbucks | Stu Phillips "Battlestar Galactica Theme" |
Sweet Pastry Event 🍩[]
First up was the Sweet Pastry Event. The Doughboys had a Glazed Donut and a Chocolate Glazed Donut from Dunkin', a McDonald's Apple Pie, and an Apple Fritter and a Glazed Doughnut from Starbucks.
O'Connor initially gave McDonald's a 6.0, but upon hearing Justin Timberlake's "I'm Lovin' It" as the winning anthem, he promptly deducts 3 points, and so Dunkin' steals the gold away.
| 🍩 | Dunkin' Donuts | McDonald's | Starbucks |
|---|---|---|---|
| Nick Wiger | 3.97 | 2.61 | 1.91 |
| Mike Mitchell | 3.2 | 2.78 | 2.8 |
| Sean O'Connor | 2.5 | 3.0 | 1.43 |
| Gold 🥇 | Silver 🥈 | Bronze 🥉 |
Ice-Blended Mocha Event 🧊☕[]
The Ice-Blended Mocha Event came next. From Dunkin', the Doughboys had a Dunkaccino Frozen Drink; McDonald's, a McCafé Mocha Frappé; and Starbucks, a Mocha Frappuccino Blended Beverage.
The Dunkaccino let down everyone down, and perhaps wasn't the best rep of an ice-blended mocha from Dunkin'. O'Connor initially gives McDonald's a 5.1, but upon hearing Justin Timberlake's "I'm Lovin' It" as the winning anthem, he promptly deducts 3 points and so Dunkin' steals the gold away.
| 🧊☕ | Dunkin' Donuts | McDonald's | Starbucks |
|---|---|---|---|
| Nick Wiger | 1.15 | 4.17 | 4.9 |
| Mike Mitchell | 3.1 | 4.421 | 2.78 |
| Sean O'Connor | 3.13 | 2.1 | 3.5 |
| Bronze 🥉 | Silver 🥈 | Gold 🥇 |
Breakfast Sandwich Event 🥯[]
Third, the Doughboys look at breakfast sandwiches, for which they grab the Bacon Egg & Cheese Croissant from Dunkin', an Egg McMuffin from McDonald's, and a Bacon, Gouda & Egg Sandwich from Starbucks.
| 🥯 | Dunkin' Donuts | McDonald's | Starbucks |
|---|---|---|---|
| Nick Wiger | 5.8 | 5.07 | 3.0 |
| Mike Mitchell | 5.8 | 5.367 | 3.4 |
| Sean O'Connor | 5.8 | 4.6 | 2.1 |
| Gold 🥇 | Silver 🥈 | Bronze 🥉 |
Coffee Event ☕[]
Lastly, the main event: hot brown. The Doughboys got a small black coffee from each chain.
| ☕ | Dunkin' Donuts | McDonald's | Starbucks |
|---|---|---|---|
| Nick Wiger | 2.8 | 4.65 | 4.0 |
| Mike Mitchell | 5.9 | 3.4 | 1.5 |
| Sean O'Connor | 5.1 | 4.4 | 5.57 |
| Gold 🥇 | Silver 🥈 | Bronze 🥉 |
Doughlympics Coffee Division Medal Results 🏅[]
| Dunkin' Donuts | McDonald's | Starbucks | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Sweet Pastry | Gold 🥇 | Silver 🥈 | Bronze 🥉 |
| Ice-blended Mocha | Bronze 🥉 | Silver 🥈 | Gold |
| Breakfast Sandwich | Gold 🥇 | Silver 🥈 | Bronze 🥉 |
| Hot Brown | Gold 🥇 | Silver 🥈 | Bronze 🥉 |
| Overall | Gold 🥇 | Silver 🥈 | Bronze 🥉 |
2016 International House Of Hot Takes[]
For this segment, The Doughboys hold a fantasy draft of international dishes, choosing their favorite international foods (to note, Mitch opted for a bunch of American ones).
Sean picked first, Mitch second, and then they went snake-style after that.
| Sean O'Connor | Mike Mitchell | Nick Wiger |
|---|---|---|
| 1. chicken tikka masala 🐔 | 2. pizza 🍕 | 3. tacos 🌮 |
| 6. ramen 🍜 | 5. cheeseburgers 🍔 | 4. sushi 🍣 |
| 7. fish and chips 🍤 | 8. burritos 🌯 | 9. barbecue 🍖 |
| 12. pasta 🍝 | 11. Buffalo wings 🍗 | 10. pho 🍜 |
| 13. pork schnitzel 🐖 | 14. steak 🥩 | 15. soup 🥫 |
Roast Spoonman[]
Richard Karn before he drowns in a river
| “ | Richard Karn's riverbloated corpse | ” |
–Matt Brown | ||
Quotes[]
| “ | When I look into the eyes of Yusong, I see the soul of Mitt Romney. | ” |
–Chairman Susser, resigning so Yusong can save the Doughlympics | ||
| “ | Is the Doughlympics just a test to see if we can all sit for an hour and a half and not shit our pants? | ” |
–Mike Mitchell | ||
| “ | The future is bright for me, and for this podcast, and for everyone here, everyone out there. Especially now this thing has ended... | ” |
–Mike Mitchell feeling optimistic | ||
#hashtags[]
- #GrandSlam vs. #DennysGrandSlam
- #WigersWinnersAgain vs. #PanAsianConfusion vs. #TeamUSA
The Feedbag[]
| “ | My favorite video-game series is Castlevania. Sometimes you can find food in the walls that gives you health. If you could do this in real life, what type of food would you want to find? | ” |
–Tim Vargoulis | ||
| guest / host | food to hide in a wall |
|---|---|
| Nick Wiger | Gatorade |
| Mike Mitchell | burrito or Cool Ranch Doritos |
| Sean O'Connor | cantaloupe |
Plugs and Drops and Themes[]
| reference | notes |
|---|---|
| The Late Late Show with James Corden (tv) | Sean's plug |
|
in Mitch's drop (by Jesse Carp) |
| Justin Timberlake "I'm Lovin' It" | McDonald's national anthem |
| Dropkicks Murphy "I'm Shippin' Up To Boston" | Dunkin' Donuts national anthem |
| Stu Phillips "Battlestar Galactica Theme" | Starbucks national anthem |
Related Episodes[]
| Doughlympics | Dunkin' Donuts episodes |
|---|---|
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Photos (via @doughboyspod)[]
